There is a magical age somewhere between the stages of infant and toddler where a child’s brain is wonderfully pliable. Their mind has found ways to control the basic motor functions of the arms, legs, and mouth, but it lacks the complexity to know when and how to control these functions properly. This means they are quite vulnerable to hackers which can easily bypass the unit’s command systems and override the controls without triggering any security mechanisms or having to explain their way around toddler firewalls. The hackers can simply log into the main interface and issue commands directly. It’s really quite simple. I have created the following “How To…” guide for any amateur parents out there that might want to dabble with me in the ancient art of baby hacking.

There are, of course, many ways to break into such an unsecure brain network. But the easiest way I have found after three children is as follows: Lift the child off the ground so their appendages are dangling loosely at their sides. This eliminates any “noise” associated with tactile interaction which may interfere with your commands. Once the child stops kicking its legs, place your mouth tight up against their ear and very quietly say the child’s name. The unit’s name is sort of like a password for accessing their inner mind. The child should go into command prompt mode when it hears it name. You will know you are in the correct mode when the child’s eyes go out of focus and their mouth slackens. There may even be drooling. If you encounter drool it means you have been granted full admin privileges over all critical system.

When you are sure the unit is receiving data through the correct port you may then input your desired command. Make sure you choose something simple. Remember, you are hacking into a device that is less sophisticated than a TI calculator. Your options are limited. My preferred command is a noise. I choose “Bababababa…”. Whisper this softly into their ear at distant, almost inaudible, volume. I like to trail off at the end, just for effect.

At this point patience is very important. Your child has less than 128kb of RAM, and its operating system is busy running tons of bloatware that came preinstalled. So, it could take up to a minute for the desired command to fully process. But what you should find is that the next control command that the brain sends to the child’s body will match that of your secret input. Their lips will begin to move as they continue to stare into the distance and they will softly repeat, “Bababababa…”.

Success! Feel free to swing them in circles and blow a few raspberries on their belly to clear their memory core before attempting to do it again.

If you mess up and input too much data you run the risk of overloading the child’s processor and locking them up completely. If this happens, don’t panic, just set the child down, wait for them to cool off and then pick them up and try again in a few minutes. It is nearly impossible to damage the unit using this method of remote access, but you as a user may be harmed if the child’s fingernails have not been trimmed recently.

I have had success hacking into my son Gideon’s brain for the past few months. Unfortunately, although it has been worth it, the effort has backfired in my case. My boy now crawls frantically through the house yelling for me by name. “Baba!” he screams on his way down the stairs to greet me when I get home from work. “Baba!” he yells when he sees me from across the room, struggling to get down from his mother’s arms. I pick him up in public and he happily pats me on the face and then looks around the room and introduces me to his friends, “Baba.”

“No.” I tell him firmly. “I was joking about Baba. My name is Daddy.” He watches me with his mouth wide open in a smile. “Call me D-AAA-DDY.”

He watches my mouth, grinning at the sound of my voice, and says, “Bababababa…”

*Sigh* Perhaps this is what I deserve.