I held up the pajama pants. “Get into these pants Lydia.”
She twirled and closed her eyes up at the ceiling.
“No,” I said and quietly grabbed her shoulders and turned her around. “Get into the pajama pants.”
“I want to wear the pants I have on, please.”
I sighed and dropped my arms. “Lydia, those pants have jelly on them. See? You can’t sleep in those.” I held the pants up again. “Anyway, these have clouds. Look, they match your pajama shirt.” I pointed.
She looked down, smiled, then looked back at me. “Okay, but!” She grinned in a way that instantly set me ill at ease. Then she sweetly sang, “I have a gun in my pants.”
I blinked in surprise. “Excuse me?”
“I. Have. A gun in my pants,” she repeated with an air of mystery, fluttering her eyelashes in an odd sort of way.
“That’s nonsense. You do not have a-”
Suddenly, she reached into her waistband, swiftly withdrew something with her right hand and started to point it in my direction. Instinctively, I flinched away and batted her arm to one side while she made “Pow! Pow!” noises.
She held the object up next to her face like James Bond and looked at me sideways out of the corner of her sly little eyes, smirking.
“Lydia?” I said, slowly realizing what she was holding. “Lydia that is a duck.”
She frowned down at her hands and turned it back and forth. It was a hard plastic mallard and she was holding its feet and shooting imaginary holes in the wall from its jovial beaked face.
“I know,” she smiled. “It’s my duck gun.”
“..your duck gun..” I mumbled to myself. “Okay. Cool. Weirdo. Well, these are your cloud pants, and I need you to put them on, right now, or I’ll be turning you in to either the FBI or the Conservation Society. And I doubt either of them will be happy to hear what you have been up to with your homemade duck gun thingy.”
I held out my hand. Reluctantly she placed the duck inside my palm. With a sigh of relief I turned the goofy bird over and holstered him in a nearby sock. I reminded myself, that even without the duck stuck down her pants, this child was still extremely dangerous.