I’m wondering if any of you would be willing to hire my son.

You see, he has started to understand that there are things he would like to take home from the store and the only way he can get them is with money, which he does not have. So, he has been trying to find ways to earn an income.

So far, his income streams have been very limited. They are things like birthday cards from grandparents, also that one time we rewarded him for potty training, and… well, actually I think that’s it. But he also sees that his oldest sister gets money from her snowcone stand. And then his other sister has a job where she loses teeth every 3 months or so and then somehow sells them to a mysterious stranger that sneaks into their bedroom at night. (By the way, this idea does not bother him. I have quietly watched him from a distance as he was looking at Transformers at the store and caught him staring into space, wiggling his teeth anxiously with a finger).

But he needs his own job, and in his mind, the only one of these income streams that is his, and HIS alone, is the potty training one. In his mind, it goes, “Everyone in our family has a job they are paid for. Dad is an engineer, Mom tells us to clean our room, Clara sells snowcones, Lydia sells her teeth, and me? …I pee in a potty.”

And I know this is how it is in his mind, because he told me so, just the other day. He walked into the room and proudly announced that he was going to save up money and buy a Transformer.

“Oh really?” I asked. “And how are you going to do that? How are you going to make money?”

He just looked at me confidently and said, “I’m going to use the potty for SIX days straight, and then you and mom are going to give me money.”

“Oh!” I held onto the table to keep from falling out of my chair, “Is that a threat, little man?”

He seemed not to understand. “I potty train, and you give me money. Then I’ll buy a Transformer.”

“Well. There is a problem with that plan, my dear little boy. Because you already use the potty. We don’t have to train you to do that anymore. That job is finished.”

He looked sad for a moment and his chin sank a few inches, but it turns out he was actually just deep in thought because a second or two later he came back to life with a cheer. “Oh! Me know. How about, I know how to potty train HERE, but I haven’t potty trained EVERYWHERE? I could potty train at someone else’s house now.”

“Wait, what? Like at a friend’s house so something?”

“Yeah!”

“You are going to go door to door using people’s toilets for money?”

He shrugged and said less confidently, “…Yeah!”

I thought for a moment and said, “Actually, I think that sounds like a fantastic idea.”

So, I agreed to be his marketing agent. And I’m here advertising to all of you first. Who wants to hire a little boy to come over and use your bathroom? It’s a great deal. Just $7 (the price of a Transformer) for six working days of bathroom use. I can provide a strong work reference. He’s very good at what he does.

Otherwise, I’m going to have to teach him how to shovel the driveway.